What Does Change Look Like?

I'm thinking out loud here, but I hope you'll indulge me.

I hadn't gotten on the scale for quite a while.  Months in fact.  I knew what it would say and I didn't want to face it really.  So I avoided it.  I'd make little efforts here and there to eat a little healthier, but they'd last for about 5 seconds and then I would fall off the wagon and eat like a horse again.

This week, I finally stepped on the scale.  It confirmed what I already knew was true.  Actually, it was worse than I had thought.  I'd been kidding myself.

I have lots of reasons for why I struggle with weight.  There are many justifications.  However, I NEED to change something.

In the past, I've focused mainly on changing my eating.  That has worked for me before.  However, the period of time in my life was very different to where I am in my life now.  My lifestyle is different, my relationships are different, I am different.  Even where I live and spend my days is different.

So that means that I need a different plan.  I need one that will work for where I am today.

I am also seeing that there are lots of areas of my life that have lacked intentionality.  I can see that, while I have a lot of flexibility in my daily life, it's actually been killing me.  I don't have a traditional job.  That means I don't have a traditional schedule or routine.  I've allowed myself to live as a 'free spirit' in regards to schedule.

Today, I realized that this isn't really working on my behalf.  In fact, it's working against me.  So today, I am going to start working on a life plan.

Will things get in the way of my life plan?  Yes!  Will I have to let go of my life plan at times?  Yes!  Will I have to make exceptions in my life plan?  Yes!  But does that mean I have to throw my life plan in the toilet? NOOOOOOOO!

So, what does change look like? For me, it means making a plan that doesn't just include eating the right foods.  It includes planning to spend my time wisely and make intentional choices for how to do that.

Here's to change!

A Baby Shower Extraordinaire!

We are super excited about the baby that is coming into our family this year.  Our daughter is carrying our very first grand-daughter and we could not be happier. In order to let this new family know how much we love them, we threw a shower for Kaitlin while she and Jon are here visiting.

I've been working on this effort along with dear friend Chelsea for several weeks (pretty much exclusively!).  It was a pretty huge undertaking.

My husband was wondering what I was taking so much time doing, but once he saw the end result, he understood.

I'd say it was a success.  Fun was had by all, the food was tasty and beautiful and the new mama was thrilled!

This is all in my back yard, which, while not terrible, is pretty plain.  There is a lot of dirt, but add some twinkle lights and cloth covered tables with flowers and you can really transform a space.

One of the guests asked if the party was professionally done.  I was honored to have been asked such at thing.  The answer was NO!  We put the whole thing together with our own little hands. I came up with a menu, painted chalk boards, my friend Chelsea wrote the captions, created the games and we both planned how to lay it all out.

I had several friends who helped to build the tea sandwiches, put the flowers together in all those bottles and lay the whole spread out.

I used the theme 'garden party' as a jumping off place.  I pulled vintage linens from our collection of family treasures to be the foundation for the tables. The park bench you see below was in desperate need of refinishing, so, one evening, I got out the sand paper and sanded it down. (yes, I did nearly sand my fingerprints off.  Yes, I paid for this effort in pain for DAYS!)  Then, I added Thompson's water seal. Good as new!

We ended up tying the bottle groupings together with twine when the wind would not stop gusting enough to trust that they wouldn't just blow over.

Originally, I had painted all the bottles in varying hues of yellow and green but when all the paint dripped to the bottom of the bottles, twice, I realized I'd have to scrub them out and use them clear.  So, I added food coloring to the water to add a bit of color.

My daugher's mother-in-law, Becky, made the lovely tarts seen below. (They were amazing to eat too!)

Friend Chelsea artfully filled the water decanters with fruit and cucumbers to create delicious infused water that looked amazing and tasted great!

This is friend Chelsea, a treasure indeed!

The mother to be and her entourage!

Our menu included the following:

Tea Sandwiches (Curried Chicken and Cranberry, Ham and Olive Tapenade, Herbed Goat Cheese and Cucumber)
Strawberry, Mandarin Pecan and Spinach Salad with Poppyseed Dressing
Mini Quiches (homemade by awesome friend Rebecca!) Bacon Chedder and Florentine
Fresh Fruit platters with Yogurt Poppyseed dressing(homemade by awesome friend Chelsea)
Savory Coctail Meatballs
Mini Fruit Tarts (homemade by awesome friend Becky)
Frozen Eegee Fruit drinks in Strawberry and Pina Colada
Cucumber infused Water
Citrus infused Water
Bottled Vintage sodas
Gingersnaps (homemade by Grandma and quite delish!)

Actually, the only purchased food was the cake, all the rest was made in our kitchens!

Got the beginning of this idea on Pinterest and then added our own touches.  Both cute and functional as the mama now has a selection of onsies in varying sizes for all her baby dressing needs.

A lovely group of friends!

Lemon cream cake, to die for!

I was super excited to be able to buy beautiful flowers enough for the whole event for only $45 at Trader Joes!  Awesome!

Photos of the babies who are now making babies of their own.

I look a little peaked don't I!?  Well, such a party is a LOT of work.  But it was worth every bit!

I wish you might have been there!

Girly Pages and Manly pages from the Same Kit!

May's kits, My Favorite and the Sugar and Spice add-on really had a feminine feel to them.  However, not having lots of girlyness to scrap this month, I had to look past what I saw first to see that this is one super versatile kit!

The first layout I made was an anthology of this years nail polish colors and designs.  How much more girly can you get?!  I love how the soft pinks and yellows textureized by that awesome ribbon really allowed me to create a very feminine page.

Even the font I used for my title adds to the femininity of this project.

Now, on the flip side, I wanted to create a 'Random Facts' page about my hubby.  He's....uh, ......not so much about frills!  (and can you believe this is the first time I've done the random facts thing?!  Where have I been hiding anyway??)

The kit includes some wonderful pieces that complement masculinity very well.  The stars paper, for one, in blue and black created a perfect place to begin my page

I selectively cut a few of the pieces of tape from the Maggie Holmes Washi paper .  And those metal Basic Grey star studs were the perfect accent to my mainly project.

Even the Chipboard pieces which had a lot of feminine shapes and colors, found a place on my page via the small blue frame and the negative of the arrow image.

I colored the corrugated 'potty man' red by just a swipe of ink from my favorite red ink pad.

The lesson is that Scrapbook Circle kits always offer enough versatility to create whatever kind of layout you need them too. I hope you'll share with us some unexpected ways that you used supplies which initially had a specific feel to create a completely different look.  The place to share is our Facebook page.  Can't wait to see what you've created!

Shy Much??

And now for one final layout using the April Scrapbook Circle kits.  (have you seen the May kits yet?!  Gorgeous!)

The photos in the layout below were staged on a recent trip my DD and her hubby took, but they remind me of the beginnings of their relationship.  

The truth is, they danced around an interest in one another for several years before they finally told each other how they really felt.  That was good in reality, but it still makes me chuckle.  I am SO glad that they finally connected as they are a wonderful couple.

I have found myself using less and less paper lately and more and more of the embellishments in a kit.  I guess I just go through phases, but this page is a perfect example of that.  I loved the embellishments this month!  So many fun, transparent pieces and the colors are so very happy!

I ended up using the negative image of the heart and I love how that ends up looking.  If you have trouble with how to attach transparent pieces, sewing and stapling are two perfect options.

So how about you, do you have a 'shy' love story to share?

Ombre Pop!

I have been up to my elbows making plans for a baby shower for a very special woman in my life.  Can you guess who??

Yep, my daughter Kaitlin and hubby Jon are expecting their first child!  We could not be happier at the prospect of being grandparents.  She's not very far along at all, but since the two of them will be in town in May, we are going ahead with the shower May 5th!

I've got one more week to finish my preparations!  Yikes!  I had better get crackin'!

However, I did want to show you this layout  from April's Scrapbook Circle kits, Happy Place and Good Times.  This was my favorite for the month. Well, I think so anyway.  I LOVE how the mist reacts with the Heidi Swapp Color Pop paper.  Soooo much fun!

Did  you notice the very gold 'hello' veneer?  I am currently in love with gold on my pages and so I decided to emboss this veneer piece using 3 coats of gold embossing powder.  It worked like a charm.  All you do is coat the veneer in Versamark, sprinkle with powder, heat and repeat as many times as desired.  It gives a very nice raised effect.

What have you got planned for your week!?

NO MUSTACHE FOR YOU!!

So my son-in-law has the honor of serving our country in the Navy on a Submarine.  One of the perks of such an assignment is that he can grow his hair whereever on his body he chooses.

This time, he choose his upper lip, a situation which most folks consider to be relatively normal.  Not so my daughter.  She finds it quite repulsive.

Alas, when he arrived in port, she was delighted to see him, but somewhat less than impressed with the presentation of the afformentioned mustache.  And so, no mustache for poor Jon.

Here's a wee depiction of his appearance using the months Scrapbook Circle kits, Happy Place and Good Times.

I found a mustache shape on the Worldwide Web and cut it out with my Silhouette. Along with a bit of text.

I had fun with coloring the wood veneers this month. (and did I mention how much I love these ones??!  Well, I surely do.

Hope you're having a great week.

The Rest of the Story -- About Jon

Another 'story installment'. Yes, it's been awhile.  For some reason, this chapter pains me to share a bit more than the others.  I can only assume that is because I can't just say that someone else did something 'to' me.  This is where I have to begin to take responsibility for my own choices.

When I began dating Jon, my dad evidently became concerned that I might become pregnant.  And so, he did what he thought was the responsible thing to do and suggested I get started on the pill.  I remember thinking how very cool and 'forward thinking' my father was to suggest such a thing.

His reasoning was, of course, that I was 'going to do it anyway' so I may as well avoid an unwanted pregnancy.  Funny, he never mentioned the use of condems......

So, in my young mind, that meant I needed to start considering how I might make use of this new opportunity.

Now, what I knew about sex had come from what my sister had told me, what I'd giggled about with friends, what I'd seen in the various bits of pornography I'd been exposed to at the neighbor's house and what I'd seen in various movies (which if you recall the 80's, was quite a lot).  Still, my views were fragmented and unrealistic at best.

However, armed with a month's worth of contreceptives in my system and the well-intended (I guess) advice of my father, I offered myself to Jon.

I honestly can't recall how it all went down but I can only assume that we discussed it in some capacity because he had arranged to have the shared dorm bedroom to himself for a period while the other guys lounged in the living area drinking beer and watching sports.

What I do recall is that Jon felt the need to ask me if he should be expecting a mess after we indulged ourselves.  I can remember that in my mind, I went over the various sexual encounters I had had and decided that there was no way that my hymen could still be intact.  I can actually still see in my minds eye what I was thinking.  Having gone over past events, I lovingly reassured Jon that there was nothing to worry about.

The reality was that I really had no idea.  I didn't know enough about my body.  I hadn't asked the doctor when I'd gotten my prescription and they had volunteered nothing and so I really didn't know what I was talking about.

All that I wanted was to be loved and from what I'd gathered from the world around me, this was how I could be loved.  Jon had told me he loved me by this time.  He'd told me many times.  I believed him.  He was very kind and caring and an upstanding young student and I felt good about the whole thing.

And so passion ensued.  When it was over, there was a very large red stain on my loving boyfriend's dorm room bed.  And my loving boyfriend was furious with me.  He yelled, he rushed into the bathroom to try to clean up 'the mess'.  He ranted about how I had lied to him and why didn't I just tell him the truth.  He was in a rage.

And I was utterly and completely humiliated.  Ashamed.

Jon hurried me through the living room and out to his car and drove me home in silence.  Within the week, he broke up with me, sighting the fact that he really didn't have time for a relationship, that he didn't really love me and that I lived to far away for him to be driving back and forth all the time.

It was over and I was crushed.  I'd given myself and gotten nothing in return.

Now, I am far from the first girl to have experienced this particular type of devastation.  In fact, it's all too common for a girl to be used sexually by a man who claims to love her, only for him to find that once he's gone there, he doesn't want her any more.  I can't explain why this happens.  I assume there is something going on in the mind of those men that is similar to many many others, but I couldn't begin to tell you what it is.

But one thing I can tell you is that this particular brand of rejection hits a woman at her deepest core.  It's a rejection that begins to infect every aspect of how she sees herself.  It's like a cancer, only it doesn't kill, it just debilitates.

I didn't know all of that then. It wasn't long before I put on an armor coat of anger and a desire to hurt him back.  I tucked the pain as far away as I could and only in recent years has that particular bit of pain resurfaced so that it could be examined.

Instead, I set out to show Jon that I was indeed a very desireable woman.  I would show him and he'd regret his decision.

I Need to Write Today

I haven't been around much.  I haven't felt creative much.  I've been struggling to find..........I'm not sure what.

Things have been difficult in our family on a variety of levels and I can feel a bit of darkness trying to reach in and suffocate me.  It's not a new experience.  I've spent time in the darkness before.

I think maybe it's a feeling of rejection, though I thought I had recovered more completely than that.  But recently, several important people in my life have rejected me in several different ways and I think maybe I am reeling from that.

I find myself more guarded than I once was.  I don't really like that much.  I don't like to be guarded.  But I also don't like putting myself out there and getting stomped on.

So my creativity is feeling a little stunted.  My motivation is feeling stunted. My thinking is feeling a little confused.  These are the signs of depression.  I know them when I see them, like I said, it's familiar territory. Though its been quite a few  years since I fully succumed.

Overwhelmed is part of what I'm feeling.  Failure is another part.  Loss of control is another part.  And that rejection thing.  That is a big part.

My father has rejected me.  I thought I was already ok with that.  I thought I'd already accepted it.  I thought I was walking by it.  I am, but it hurts.

I'm still, at 40 years old, coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a father or mother who will love me unconditionally.  Not because they are terrible awful people, but because they cannot.  They don't know how.  They are blinded by their own pain and they just. don't. know. how.

I can accept that, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

My father's way of facing things is to say terrible hurtful things to me, about me.  My mother, poor sad woman, is essentially catatonic.  Or at least as close to that as you can get without actually being catatonic.

And so, on this earth, my safe and good relationship comes from my husband, my children and my friends.  Which really isn't a bad thing.  Actually, it's a really good thing.  It's more than many many people have and for that I am thankful.

But I'd like to take a moment to say that it is not enough.  That is not the same as saying I am not incredibly grateful for it.  But a family is meant to be a safe place, a place of refuge and unconditional love.  Mine isn't and I miss that and I wish it wasn't the case.  And so today, perhaps it is just a bit more of the grief that I am experiencing.  And maybe that is ok and just a part of the process that I need to go through.

Now, this is not a pity party and I don't want a bunch of sympathy.  Mainly, I just wanted to share my heart. To say that I feel and that what I feel isn't so good and to know that I can do that and it'll be ok.  Maybe someone else has felt this same grief and wondered if it was ok?  It is, it really is ok to be sad when things are not the way they were meant to be.

Thank you for allowig me to share.

(Lone Lupine this Spring.  Not much in the way of wildflower beauty 

to be seen this year, but what is there is still stunning in it's beauty.)

And I forgot to tell you........

that I created this layout that I really really love!  I guess life has been going so fast that I just can't keep up and it seems like a million different things are happening and did you know that my son moved out this week and so we are empty nesters and a friend had a difficult diagnosis and another friend has a seriously painful situation and another friend is going through such a rough time and my other friend called and asked if I could help her with this thing she's dealing with and I got some really incredibly awesome news and I've got three deadlines to meet in the next two days and by the way, I'm getting sick!!!

Yep, that's pretty much the size of it.

So here's some pretty paper to share and a wee video about my pretty paper project and I do so hope that you'll enjoy it.

This one is created with the Scrapbook Circle April Kits!  (How did April arrive so early??)  The kits are called Happy Place and Good Times.  I love love love the colors in these kits.  So perfect for spring.

I went happy with all the pretty soft yellows in this months kits.  And am I the only one who is completely in love with that Heidi Swapp alpha?!  Truly makes me happy. See, in my Happy Place!

I hope you can find your happy place this week!

Use Those Instagrams

Today's layout showcases the use of Instagrams for a 'month in review' style layout.  I did something a little different in the printing.  I created a document that was 12x8 with two inch photos.  Then, I chose some portions to print blank.  When I printed it out, I cut the blank ones out with my Exacto knife and backed them with pretty papers.

One strip of the photos was cut off and added to the bottom of the page.

I added a feather behind the Dear Lizzy card to create a bit of extra texture.

I couldn't leave those little squares and rectangles naked so I added punches, words and some die cuts to keep true to form.

 
The arrow is stitched using Amy Tangerine's stitching templates from the March kits at Scrapbook Circle.  All the supplies are from the Charmed Life and Lucky girl kits over at Scrapbook Circle.

Thanks for stopping in.  Have a happy Thursday.  And if you're of a mind to, our family could use prayer right now. Thanks in advance.