The full realization of this unfortunate fact has been creeping up on me for about a year or so. It's been coming in bits and pieces, here and there, through people, through bible study, through music.
This past weekend, the wonderful hubby and I went to a music festival in Prescott Valley, AZ. It was called Elevate and I highly recommend going to such a festival if at all possible. Fun is had, music is played LOUDLY (which is just fun) and hearts are shared (which is my most favorite part).
One musician, Jason Gray, who I wasn't all that familiar with, got up on the final night and shared some insights which really spoke to this issue in my life. I've posted a link below that includes a bit more from Mr. Gray on the topic for your listening pleasure. Have a listen!
For me, I've found myself continually feeling like I have to prove myself as a worthwhile space taker on planet earth. Whatever I do, I MUST do it perfectly. If I don't, I'm pretty sure that the 'collective you' will notice and stomp all over me.
When people are doing what feels like 'stomping' all over me, I am certain it is because of some failing on my part.
- If my ideas aren't heard and applied, it must be because I am worthless (or at least because the 'collective you' thinks I am worthless.
- If my skills aren't used in whatever place they could theoretically be used, it's because the 'collective you' doesn't deem them to be good enough.
- If my phone isn't ringing, it's because the 'collective you' isn't really all that interested in me, my life or my needs.
- If you do something that is in direct opposition to my suggestion (hello children) (although this could apply to others as well) it is because the 'collective you' thinks my suggestions are utterly stupid.
- If you didn't ask me to cook for your event, it's because you don't think my cooking skills are good enough.
- If.......................blah blah blah.
Do you get the picture? It's a serious problem. And, as I mentioned, it's one that God, in His infinite goodness, has been trying to teach me about.
This weekend, I think I may have gotten some, very small taste of what He's been trying to say.
I'll never be able to prove my worth, measure up or be good enough. My name is never going to be up in lights and 'the collective' will never adore me. I'll never have proof that I am enough for everyone to be satisfied by me and my efforts.
Why? Because it's actually true. I am not good enough. I'm just not. Not for everyone, not even for one person.
But I am LOVED by the God who made me and called me to be His own. It is my weakness and NOT MEASURING up that might allow someone else to be pointed to His mercy. It is not my great achievements that do this. And THIS is the thing I could do that is MOST WORTHWHILE! I could point others to HIM!
So, I will boast in my weakness so that He is shown strong.